Born communicators

Angela Neustatter, The Times, 16.08.04

ETHAN DUDLEY, 4, bounds into the room, gives his mother a dazzling smile and bursts into excited talk about his day at nursery school. Julie Dudley, 36, bends to his eye level, looks directly at him and listens attentively to what he is saying. But after a couple of minutes she smiles and pats his head, explaining she now has to speak to me. He nods amiably and goes in pursuit of his nine-year-old sister Tiffany.

The communication Julie has with Ethan is special and hugely rewarding, she says, and she is convinced this is because she was helped to recognise how communicative he could be, and that it was possible to "read his signals" from the moment of birth. Ethan was newly born, the placenta just cut, she recalls, and around him people were chatting and saying his name admiringly. But it was not until Julie called his name that he reacted, craning his neck to turn his head in her direction. She was "blown away", explaining: "In the midst of this chatter it was clear he recognised my voice."

On the same occasion Ethan's father John, 50, tried another of the techniques the couple had been taught. He stuck his tongue out in the eye range of Ethan, just 20 minutes after birth. He seemed attentive as seconds later he imitated the action. "It might have been a fluke," his father says, "if I hadn't stuck my tongue out perhaps 15 more times and each time Ethan did the same. Babies don't just lie there and stick their tongues out. He was clearly copying what I did." For the Dudleys these and other small but significant gestures were a revelation.

Julie says: "I saw that Ethan was much more alert and aware of what was happening than I'd ever realised a baby could be. And once you realise that, it makes understanding how the baby feels important and you feel you have a communication."

Julie was already a well-practised mother. At 18 she married John, a widower 14 years her senior with four children ranging from 2 to 10. They then had five children of their own - the eldest is 15 and Ethan, now 4, is the youngest. Yet she says: "I bonded with him more quickly and easily than with the other babies, even though I loved them equally."

The Dudleys were among several families who agreed to be filmed for a video The Social Baby made for the NSPCC, which believes the ideas it contains should be as widely accessible as possible to parents, at the birth of their children and immediately afterwards.

Like most parents the Dudleys had always accepted what so many baby books tell us, that babies who are fed, clean and comfortable should be content. When it is not that simple and babies cry for no apparent reason it can make parents feel failures. Professor Lynne Murray, who leads the child development Winnicott Unit, says: "All babies are different. Some are very sensitive and react easily to small things that disturb them. If they cry a lot and parents don't understand why, they may get labelled 'irritable' or 'bloody-minded' . Feelings about the baby can get into a negative slant and then parenting can feel unrewarding and stressful, which is not good for the parents or baby."

All sorts of seemingly small things - an unknown face, an unfamiliar smell, a strange environment, a sudden noise, a change of temperature or light can cause seemingly random distress, insists Murray. "Research shows how, if parents can get pleasure from their babies very early, the parenting trajectory, and the child's development, are likely to be enhanced."

This is something that Clive and Helen Dorman know well. The photo-illustrated book they published, The Social Baby (on which the video is based), describes the time just after birth from a baby's perspective, including the difficulties they had with their daughter Hannah in her first years.

Explains Clive: "Hannah cried a lot, she was difficult to soothe and seemed to reject us. It was very challenging behaviour and the books we turned to all seemed have a one-hat-fits-all approach and if parents get that right then any and every baby should be content. We began to feel we were hopeless parents. And even though Helen and I have a good relationship it put a lot of strain on us and we felt quite angry with our baby at times for putting us through all this."

It was a friend working in a crèche who suggested they might not be "picking up" the signals Hannah was giving and in turn led them to Murray. The Dormans persuaded her to co-write The Social Baby with Liz Andrews, showing how, from the start, babies have complex psychological lives and highly developed responses, but that their brains are not developed enough to manage a stressful situation.

Clive Dorman says: "As adults we learn to process stress. If the boss is ghastly to me at work I may want to howl, but instead I internalise the feelings and cope. But babies can't do that. So when a situation is stressful they may fret and cry. But if we can learn to understand that they are asking for help because they are powerless to control their own environment, we can think about how we might change that and comfort them."

Julie Dudley tells how she and John "learnt" that they should not take Ethan to busy parties after going to his mother's birthday party. It was held in a small flat with a lot of high-spirited people and a lot of activity. Ethan became increasingly fractious and then wouldn't stop crying, even though Julie fed and comforted him. "With the other babies I'd probably have felt irritated that they were being difficult," she says, "but this time John and I tried to put ourselves in Ethan's place and think how it must feel to be just a few weeks into this world in such a hectic environment, and realised that he probably felt wretched. We were the people he relied on to make the world feel right. So we left the party and he calmed down. We decided to give parties a miss for a while after that."

But if parents feel they must organise their lives entirely around the needs of their baby, doesn't that risk setting up frustrations and resentment? When my first son was born I had just interviewed Jean Liedloff, the childless author of The Continuum Concept, a book which insisted babies must be carried and held all the time. She wanted me to "test-drive" this book and I recall trying to hoover, clutching my child, never feeling I could leave him for a short break without guilt. He, no doubt wildly overstimulated, was difficult, I was exhausted and wondered how I would cope with months of this.

Murray acknowledges this: "Tuning in to your babies responsiveness does not mean that parents have to dedicate all their time and energy to the child. It's a technique for feeling close but parents must also pay attention to their own needs and what is possible for them. However, health visitors introducing new parents to this approach report that they enjoy it and feel they have good communication with babies and that there are fewer conflicts as they grow."

But if life is focused entirely on a child's needs and desires isn't there a very real risk they will be demanding, self-centred - spoilt? Julie Dudley does not think so. "Being responsive doesn't mean giving the child everything he or she wants," she says. "Ethan has boundaries and we have always said no to unreasonable requests, but we explain why. I've never seen a child spoilt by too much love and constructive attention, but I have seen them damaged when they are fobbed off with goods and treats instead of parents' time and care."

And the big bonus, she says, is that the "tuning in" approach has definitely limited conflicts. "I think being very close has stopped conflicts happening. We didn't even have tantrums when he hit the terrible twos!"

At which point Ethan returns, gives me a big smile before insisting it's time for Mum to come into the garden and join the family game they are playing. The social baby has grown into a sociable youngster who dismisses me with infinite charm and "signals" to his mother that it's his turn to have her time. She gets up, takes his hand and goes outside.

The Social Baby video costs £18.50, including p&p and from The Children's Project: 020-8546 8750; or go to www.socialbaby.com or www.childrensproject.co.uk . The video is also available from the the NSPCC from September 2004: 020-7825 2775